U.S. - Former President Donald Trump has officially been indicted by the federal government on seven counts of not storing highly classified documents in his garage behind a corvette.

"Mr. Trump had these documents securely stored in a closet instead of strewn about the garage. Straight to jail," said Merrick Garland. "Trump's failure to haphazardly toss Top Secret documents behind a car is nothing short of treasonous."

For his part, Mr. Trump has denied all wrongdoing. "I hide all my classified documents behind the best, most beautiful cars at Mar-A- Lago," said Mr. Trump. "Corvettes are for the poors. Do I look like a poor? Ha! I would never put Top Secret documents behind anything cheaper than a McLaren! What a rube!"

At publishing time, the DOJ announced they would also indict Trump for making a deal with Ukraine without his son receiving millions of dollars in bribes.