U.S. — In a press conference today, Attorney General Merrick Garland announced he will be appointing a new special counsel, David C. Weiss, to investigate the Bidens and then cover up all their crimes.

"I have given Mr. Weiss full power and authority to investigate Hunter Biden and the Biden family. We must conduct a thorough investigation so we can know which crimes to sweep under the rug," said Garland. "After a thorough inquiry, Mr. Weiss will be in charge of destroying all evidence, bringing no serious charges, and granting Hunter Biden immunity forever. He is a man of the utmost integrity and I trust him to do this job to the best of his ability."

The new Special Counsel will be given access to all damning evidence of corruption and bribery against the President, which he will retain and then destroy. All remaining witnesses will then be invited to a surprise paddle-boarding party at the President's beach estate.

Former President Trump, who nominated David Weiss to his DA position in Delaware, reacted on Truth Social, saying: "MILKTOAST GARLAND HAS APPOINTED DAVID WEISS AS 'SPECIAL COUNCIL' TO INVESTIGATE LITTLE HUNTER'S CRIMES AND TRUST ME — WEISS IS NOT EVEN THAT SPECIAL. HE'S A PHONY PROSECUTOR WHO'S BEEN HIRED TO TOTALLY LET THE BIDENS GO FREE! SAD!"

At publishing time, President Biden had thanked the Special Counsel for his outstanding service to the nation and wired him some bribe money.