A State Trooper pulled an 87-year-old woman over for no fenders. As he looked at her driver's license, he was surprised to notice that attached to it was a concealed weapon permit. Taken aback, he couldn't help but ask if she had a gun in her possession. She replied in her crackly voice that she indeed did have a .45 automatic in her glove compartment. The trooper then asked if she had any other weapons, to which she replied that she also had a 9mm Glock in her center console. The shocked trooper asked if that was all, and the little old lady held up her purse and replied, “Well, I do keep a .38 special in my purse.” Finally, the astonished trooper asked with a smirk, “What are you afraid of?” The little old lady smiled and replied, “Not a damn thing.”
Yesterday I was at my local TSC store buying a large bag of my dog's food for my Australian Cattle Dog and was in the checkout, when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog?
What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 pounds before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass end and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Tractor Supply.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of things to say.
I went to get my hair cut on MLK day, having neglected to do so for far too long. New Post COVID Dakmar rule: Get hair cut once it starts to tangle.
Wasn't there five minutes before a sorry looking Chevrolet Celebrity sedan c.1997 rolls up and a spooky looking old guy unloaded hissself with the help of a walking stick into to business (Great Clips, Kokomo South End) and proceeded to make it known he had a coupon for a free haircut. I felt sorry for him, but tried patiently to explain that coupons sometimes expire, and went back to my preferred chair across the room. He was being scary, a little, and tried to hang my jacket for me, at which point I quit feeling sorry for him. He might have been a little senile, and probably had been in Marine Corp, but that doesn't mean I have to bow down to his theatrics. I can hang my own jacket on hook, thank you, been doing it for at least 52 years.
Got my hair cut, he was still in Weary Willy mode, I thanked him for his service again (he was a Marine) and quietly exited. I felt sorry for him, probably early stages of demensia, but I'm not about about to referee a retard fight in a haircut parlor.
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